Tuesday, December 1, 2009

An Unsaid Promise

She looked deeply at the wooden figure
leaning almost dead on the armchair
with stony eyes and cold expressions....
no more there was the quilt of false confidence
under which she hid her childlike desires
and made the world to want her more.....

Ashamed as she claimed
to be 'ma's' best friend
she shivered at her own ingratitude and negligence
despising and hating the "Satans"
who stung her 'ma' not once but many a times....

Years passed yet she didn't come to see her
but now she was next to her......
"Amma",she whispered softly into her ears
"talk to me,I'l not fight, you see"
"never again-never again,just talk to me"...
tears welling out of her eyes unrestrained...

She saw the net of deep wrinkles
as cobwebs in the mounds of palatial ruins
marring her beautiful face the ancient way....
Each line reciting the story
of her selfless love,compromises and sacrifices...

Her face still bearing
the same essence of innocence...
which once hovered,lingered and enveloped
her beautiful soul..yes her beauty indeed.....
A tear trickled perching as a pearl
on her mother's cheeks.....

"Don't worry ma...don't worry!"
"This little birdie will quietly
snatch the straws from the nests of those
who wove an emotional trap-
to snatch the shiny,glossy feathers
leaving you to languish...."she breathed,
clutching tightly the old feeble hands


Sunday, November 8, 2009

That Little Girl

Nothing is impossible in this world-what actually needed is will power.Here is a small girl, wanting to see,if she can melt the ice of Antartica with a matchstick and get a drop of water.It may seem impossible to many but in her dictionary there is no such word as "impossible" This act of hers maybe aesthetically wrong but portrays the effort of a small child to overcome 'the impossible'

That Little Girl

That little girl stood
amidst the magnificent Cordilleran Folds-
wearing ubiquitous silence and ice jackets
wrapped in awe and wonder.

Her baffled liquid gray eyes
wide open in amazement
trying to secure the 'unbelievable'
in her delicate,soft arms.

With clenched teeth and agitated hands
searching frantically the matchbox
hidden somewhere amongst her quilted dress
she looked up to her mentor.

Her father smiled at her
He could see the passion-
the root of a budding talent
trying to find its niche

With numb palms and confident heart
she brought the weak flame
braving the screeching,biting wind
near the white wondrous magnificence

"YES-I did it!"she exclaimed
disbelief and joy flooding her exterior
as there on her index finger
illumined a small drop of water
sparkling synonymous to her confidence........


Tuesday, September 29, 2009


Dear Papa

Today is your thirteenth Death Anniversary.I don't know where are you-amongst the stars or a wave of wind blowing over the tides-sharing their might and power or perhaps somewhere very-very close to me...............wherever you are, I want you to stay with the same aura of mental strength which you had in abundance..............

I was in Moradabad at that time when I was made to face the cold and bitter truth that you had left us forever.That morning when I called up, ma was going to offer 'jal 'to tulsi ma, hence she asked you to talk to me.I still remember you told me,you had kept four frocks for Ayushree,my daughter,the name given to her by you and a few story books for my son Apurva.You did so as you were looking forward to meet me in near future although you knew my visits were unsure and uncertain........I didn't know the same evening I would be made aware of your absence...........Why Papa-why?Why did you turn your eyes from me............couldn't you have waited a little longer.....I would have been there to meet you.......But if I am not mistaken,you did come to meet me.About,after three days of your departure,I saw myself sitting with you at the dining table and having dinner.Totally baffled and confused,I asked."People say you are dead,then how have you got this body of yours again-how are you here?"As usual,with your carefree attitude,you replied,"You take your dinner and stop bothering.""Har fikr ko dhuye mein udata chala gaya" I was reminded of these lines.That whole night I couldn't sleep........People simply looked at me with disbelief,when in the morning I related to them the last night's incident, Nisha di, my eldest sister hugged me and said,"Bauji came to meet you,can't you understand........."Tears flooded my eyes and rolled off silently as they had done before.

Papa,I feel so lonely and distraught without you-this I realized after I lost you.You loved your daughters very much and had a golden heart for them. My sisters were always into a long and never ending conversation with you-always hanging around you....making you wear reading glasses- and doing next to nothing......especially Ila di, her talks would go on forever....and Punam di, always ordering things......but I was the youngest and the quietest one.I looked up at you with awe and reverence.You were such a disciplinarian that your friends called you,"Colonel" What a bold officer were you!You never made bureaucracy a victim of Politics and Politicians!

You remember,Papa, you used to call me "Kuppi" instead of Piku, my nickname but then too, I maintained a certain distance from you although whenever I wanted anything I just reached out to you and it was done....I remember once I was watching a movie in the school auditorium of Loreto,Ranchi and electricity went off...Oh My God-I still remember, the Principal ,Sister Margaret Mary asked me to make a call to you from her office and see if the electricity could be restored.I made the call and somehow managed to convey the message and lo within five minutes the movie was running in the hall......when I came home, ma told me the load shedding was from Patraratu Thermal Power Station!!!!I was dumbstruck...the act however not fair showed how much you loved me-and everything is fair in love and war..... this was the thought present there or your boldness,till now I'm not able to make it out.......

I remember once you scolded me slightly on some trivial matter which had no fault of mine and I stopped talking to you-whenever I came face to face with you, I shied away.......I was the sensitive type and you understood.To make up with me you had a special cake flown down from Flury's Kolkatta, for my thirteenth b'day along with canvasses,oil paints and brushes as you knew painting was my weakness and I was very good at it.I also remember your face glow with pride whenever I won prizes in any event especially when I used to win awards of the best speaker in debates,elocution and recitations from the 'RamKrishna PramHansa Society'. Despite your busy schedule,you never missed the Award Ceremony and attended it along with Ma.On stage while receiving the prize my eyes searched you,however being the quiet type, I hid this fact from you!

Today I went to Girls' Orphanage to do something in your name but it was really nothing compared to your generosity which you showered.............

But still, I do have certain grudges,complaints .I'll try and tell you,(which I think by now you must be knowing) when we will meet one day-we will meet Papa-won't we?

There are so many tranquil,soothing,rejuvenating fond memories(although I was little afraid of you too......) ,all of which can not be penned down-but one thing was common between us-we both loved reading and we both loved flowers......so for my marriage, my favourite flower Rajnigandha and jewelry made of these were once again especially flown down to Patna from Kolkatta but we do not know which way life flies-isn't it?.I wish only you and I had known it then Papa......................

Earlier I wrote, I have some grudges but actually I think I don't really have any ,as we all are puppets in the hands of time......I remember whenever I languished in pain, you could sense and read my pain. You would,then stand in front of me to say,"A Kshatrani and a Colonel's daughter,shedding tears-doesn't suit".... "SAMAY BADA BALWAN HOTA HAI" ,have faith in yourself,everything will be alright...............

I think I have babbled too much-but 'I love you Papa'-I think I could never say this to you, when you were alive but now I want to tell, YOU ARE THE BEST PAPA OF THIS WORLD!

Waiting to see and touch you someday.......

Your youngest and loving daughter

Thursday, September 10, 2009

How A Nazi Was Made

This piece of thought is dedicated to 'Those Millions'
who are not aware of their worth and feel themselves
somehow as 'Losers' or caught in a wrong stream of life.
An effort has been made here to alleviate 'Them' from
'Their ' distress and elevate to a pedestal of
self-esteem instilling faith and confidence.However
here I have only tried to bring out the outstanding qualities
of the people mentioned in the poem.I do not ask the readers
to associate themselves in anyway with their negative
aspects or qualities.

How A Nazi Was Made

Saw them idling on the streets
with banners and placards
carelessly slung-hung on their backs and hands
Cigarettes crushed between their lips
'inhaling' and 'exhaling' their "ATTITUDE"

Then there are 'a few' with tousled hair and yellow eyes
blaming "destiny",cribbing at their" misfortune"
oblivious of diamonds sparkling ahead
walking over them nonchalantly
thinking as coal dust

Sitting in coffee-houses,enveloping
themselves in clouds of nicotine
surrounded with empty cups and glasses
spitting at the 'system' of their lives
Are 'some others' fighting for the 'said survival'

Exhibiting oratory skills at places with no takers
Has no one told them about
Fall of 'Caesar' or revenge of 'Mark Antony?'
If not how 'a Gandhi' or 'a 'Bhagat Singh' was made?
I pity at their wits shaded with 'known ignorance'

Complaining being caught in a web
accidentally , with 'known Unawareness'
Has no one told them about' Abhimanyu's Chakravyuh',
'Prithviraj Chauhan' for instance
Or Rani's of Chitor and Jhansi?

Maybe identifying themselves with these
can damage their 'Said Attitude'
Corrupt 'their' ways bringing 'virus'
to their systems where they only identify
themselves with electronic waves and computer files

But in all eras there has to be a ,'Linoln'
'Bell' and a 'Newton' or a 'Laika'
who being a dog
scaled the heights in Sputnik 2
and perished saving humanity

Gibbering about "Recession" the intellectual way
Have 'They' really delved the deeps of it?
Talking about depressing ways of life
Has anyone ever dived the Economic Depression of '32
to bring pearls from it?

Yes-One did dive-One who still is an enigma
One whose 'fall' is discussed more than his 'rise'
One from whose charisma
'They' want to shy away
only to languish in 'their' self made spaces...

Running away from the stark naked truth
Have 'they' thought of those pearls......
On the mounds of 'RECESSION'
'HOW A NAZI WAS MADE'...............

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Unanswered Question

I was shocked to see her
Shocked to see
her bruised,abused and tortured appearance-
when she entered the door quietly

Her face marred
reciting the tortures of previous night
but she didn't say a single word
neither did I ask......

Famished,undernourished,sickly figure
clad in an old tattered saree.....
I wanted to ask"where's the one
which I gave you?"but couldn't......

Her hands started working
mechanically on the utensils
"Are you well?"I wanted to ask
knowing she wasn't......

I wanted to send her back
but she refused.
She sat down with a cup of tea
tears flowing ceaselessly.......

Trapped in my own web
of responsibilities,trying to soothe her
I came near her, scrounging badly for words
in my lexicon of 'emotional counseling' but failed.....

Still searching proper words
which could give her a momentary solace....
I shivered at her sudden changed behavior -
fire instead of tears erupted like a volcano from her eyes.........

"Bibiji I'm coming"she announced
her posture defying her previous cowardice
"Sukhi where are you going?"I shouted
"Only to my house"she shouted back

Waiting restlessly, as her importance
in my house couldn't be negated
I peeped out of the window
only to find myself dumbfound

There she was in the streets
being mercilessly dragged by three policemen-
her face and clothes stained with blood
which made me to shiver with fright........

I rushed towards her and screamed
"why Sukhi, why?"as I almost knew what she had done
Panting heavily without any guilt,she let herself being dragged
and spat unashamedly,"was he really my husband?"

But she asked 'a question' which left me tongue tied
and left behind many such questions scarring the face of humanity...........
Staring foolishly as she was pushed inside the police van
I returned timidly only to crouch in the corner of 'my house'.........

Friday, August 28, 2009


.........Shades Of Life-1..........

I run away from life, but it catches me...
I once again welcome it-
It once again deceives me....

Why we get mesmerized by things
not permanent in life....
And evade those which are permanent...

Why some people leave you....
And some always cling to you
bringing your soul to a halt....

Why knowingly we get hypnotized to make blunders....
Blunders which are irreparable
leading to turbulent storms....

Why some things never
come back in life...
But we still wait for them intoxicated by their fragrance....

Why do people, known for their wits
behave like children.......
And can't get over their childish cravings....

Why life is the way,it is.....
Why can't it be a little more easy
a little less tedious, exercising and cumbersome....

Why we let life have its way
Can't we be more strong headed
As not to get cheated by its luring puzzles.....

Why do we let ourselves entrapped
in the alluring intricate mesh of it....
when we know its sticky threads are laced with poison....

Come life, come-try and test me....
try and open my fist if you can..YOU CAN'T....

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Sorry Ma............

You cradled me in your arms
I think so.......
you nurtured me in your heart
I remember so......

I held your hands to school
Clutching tight your beautiful cotton saree
with my moist tiny little palms
crushing and embellishing it with stains
but you never complained.......

People pitied at me
being your fifth daughter.....
But you and pa both
made me feel
always like a queen..........

You bore all my demands
with a patient smile
Took care of my dress-
trinkets and tiny sets of jewellery....

You never complained
of the sleepless nights........
spent nursing me
as often I fell sick.......

Surrounded by newspapers
imparting G.K. to me......
you could see yourself in me
and were so proud of me ma................

But I could not be at your side
when you needed me...............
My fins were trimmed-my wings tied........
You knew everything
didn't you ma?

I still remember you bedridden-
with tear filled eyes
pleading not to leave you.....
clutching on to me with your left hand
as your right was paralyzed
just as I clutched on to yours once........

You never-ever made me feel
like a girl child of Indian Society....
But that day when I had to leave you behind.....
I was ashamed-
of myself as being born as a 'daughter'
And not a 'son'..............

The message of your death tore
me into many parts........
many of which could not be retrieved
till now..........

You were my mental support-
my 'iron lady'
You were looking so beautiful
serene,tranquil and calm
clad again in an expensive fresh cotton saree
when I reached to be near you.........

Now once again I clutched on to you
knowing that I have lost you forever...........
but you were still smiling
not even a trace of complaint
on your face........
I am sorry ma.....
Really I am............

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Oceans Of Loneliness- The Deluge- Part 1-A Real Story....

Oceans Of Loneliness

Standing near the ocean,she saw the sun's rays settling on the frothy waves of the vast,powerful,awesome,vibrant ocean and wished to be one of the bubbles of its frothy froth-yes she..... who is she ?
A girl of twenty something... when all her friends were still studying,enjoying life,she was experiencing different shades of it! With a child in her arms,Priya just wanted to run to a hidden corner where she could save herself from the deadly demons of the deceitful world.

The waves seemed to scream at her-"Priyaaa....Priyaaaaa....go back.Don't come near me,I'll swallow you.You don't know me.I'm dangerous as death!" But she wasn't afraid at all! She had seen more dangerous demons-more lethal weapons of death...why would she be afraid? "O ocean,what can you do to me?"she shouted and the waves shouted back to her."what can you do to me?"She stood dumbstruck ,like a small, meek ,stupid fool.She got her answer. What can she do after all?" "WHAT CAN I DO....?" she shouted again . The waves again shouted back to her,"WHAT CAN I DO........!"Yes you are right, I can't do anything."I am a coward woman who has been made to suffer-walk on the thorny path of life with bleeding feet............

For decades she had been experiencing bouts of depressions--if only this could happen if only that... wishes-wishes and only wishes! At times,she found herself wading through clouds of wishes-not a single one fulfilled!She wanted to pull off all the tiny fluffs which clung to her body like blood sucking parasites."Priyaaa-Priyaa-you bitch,what are you thinking-about your yaar?want to slap tight across your face and make you realize that I'm your husband,and you must cooperate with me.Have I brought to you this place to think of your boyfriends?C'mon sit beside me and hold my hand you bitch-your parents haven't taught you how to behave.I love you so much,can't you see.Is it clear to you,YOU WHORE! No I don't think it is clear to you.When I'll slap you in front of the servants then it'll be absolutely clear,I know.Listen baby.I love you very much.Now,make your parasite baby go to sleep and come to my bed immediately.I'm waiting.And better not go to sleep with him.You know what is going to happen if you do so-you will not be able to even walk.-you know na bitch-so better cooperate".Jatin shouted.

Her beauty had become a bane for her.She was a prized possession ,who was put in front of masses for their revelation and when people wondered and marveled at her beauty,.Jatin was all the more satisfied.It was a unique case.....first making her beauty flaunt,then abusing her for all the comments she gained and then pouncing on her body shredding into pieces like a vulture for hours that would never end.........................

With heavy heart she woke up,her eyelids sore after a night of torture,trauma.,alcohol,and abuse..she prayed to god to make him leave her for an hour or two so that she can try and live her life-run with her son around in the hotel room,go out to the swimming pool,taste the sun's rays shimmering on the gleaming water.AND YES ,this time her prayer was answered.Getting her freedom ,instead of going to the pool, she took the path from the hotel to the beach-her son too understood that she is happy and started giggling.She ran on the sand ,naked feet,shouted at the ocean,played with the water,forgetting everything only not forgetting the time!She had to be back in the room before he returned.It must be already an hour and if he returned,only to see the room locked from outside.......she shivered with an unknown spasm of fear!As priya was collecting her things,an old lady maybe in her eighties,who had been watching her from quite a long time, in a way signaled her to come to her."Are you a bengali?"she asked."No,why?"Priya queried."Oh,you are so beautiful,only Bengalis have the kind of beauty and grace you have"she said,"but it hardly matters, give me your parents name and address,I want a daughter -in -,law like you ,who would keep my grandson settled in Australia happy.He doesn't want to get married and you see how old I have become.Before I die, my only wish is to see his 'bahu' and that too ,like you.....he's here with me.........he doesn't approve anyone but he'll certainly like you a lot beta....,The woman went on speaking,her voice ringing incoherently in her ears.....tears blurring her eyes....she jerked backwards pulling her son running back towards the hotel room,as if a scorpion had stung her...."beta-beta" ,the lady kept on calling her back, with her weak,feeble voice kept fading with every hurried step of hers
How can she keep anyone happy?Her in laws are so distraught with her appearance,so insecure, that she might one day snatch their son away from them......who in turn was snatching her soul from her.......

Priya unlocked her room and did best possible to erase all signs ,that she had been to the beach.Her small son, too helping her ,as by now his little mind had understood that his mumma in some way was unhappy and thus did whatever could do, to save her from the wolf who lived in the house in the guise of a man!When the wolf would enter,he would shrink into his corner-when the wolf laughed,he would laugh, just to appease his whims! A slight line of hatred could be now sensed in his personality too for the man with whom he and his mother were compelled to live.

"Arrey jaan,where are you?Jatin entered the room with big smile on his face,eyes red,features strained, beads of sweat on forehead which justified the strong stink of some hard liquor!"I have brought picture tickets.Get ready.After the movie we'll have dinner outside."Jatin commanded and sat down to make another peg for himself.If she would refuse,a big drama would ensue.She always wanted to say" NO-I DON,T WANT TO GO OUT WITH A SHARAABI"but always got ready due to sheer fear of abuse.Almost
everything of luxury was provided to her with a tag of torture.She could feel a lacerating pain cutting her to pieces....whatever be, she would not malign her parents' name!She
will try and do her best to put everything right.AND THIS IS WHERE SHE WENT WRONG-her efforts to make everything seem alright was mistaken as her timidity...her
cowardice, which probably was true................

Then came that 'black night' which once began, never ended.The night of extreme pain,blood and blues which went on endlessly for decades.Being hit ,had become a common phenomenon with her, but being beaten like an animal who could not get up for days was unusual................The door-bell rang.She went to respond as he never bothered to do such lowly things,because it was, according to him against the duties, a man should perform AND SHE FROZE.....The same old lady with a help of a hotel staff
was standing in front of her.She could sense death-knell ringing.... ,her body went numb with an unknown kind of a fear......."What are you doing there?'shouted Jatin
"Very funny !Except your husband,you seem to enjoy every second dog's company--BITCH,and he was there -with a sozzled posture,eyes blood red, drooping facial expressions,nostrils flared and stinking mouth,
"with whom are you stuck?"After giving a glance at the old lady asked,"what is she doing here?"So you've asked people around,to come for rescue !"he snarled.

The old lady horrified by the unexpected scene,continued,"no...it's not like that beta....we met at the beach and....""she met you at the beach"Jatin looked at Priya with raging anger and disbelief""now if you'll please excuse us, I have some very important and urgent matter to discuss with my wife.""Wife!"the old lady exclaimed.
"YES WIFE!"The wolf growled.

"So you are dying to fly out?yeah,tell me you slut,staying with husband doesn't satisfy you?uhmmm!This hooker has to be put right otherwise,she'll get wings"he shouted
loudly and in a fit of anger punched brutally in her stomach,on her face,held her by hair and banged to the side walls many a times.Whole night he thrashed her,the whole. night she whined with pain,face drenched with blood and tears which had no takers.....

Wanting for the first time to run away from his captivity,she crouched in a dark corner,sobbing ceaselessly.Her terrified son too hid himself in a corner trembling and crying silently.She lay on the floor, unconscious,till morning,when he came
and sat beside her."okay,I'm sorry.now don't overreact.c'mon, come to the bed."She looked at him with pleading eyes-her eyes and lips all swollen badly with last night's extreme torture.Her son lying on the carpet,although hungry ,shut his eyes with fear."Are you coming,or do you need more thrashings?"I know how to set right a characterless woman!"he screamed.This torture of marital rape and sexual abuse ensued for another couple of years when finally one night she tried to end her life but here too death deceived her!She kept hanging from the ceiling fan,unconscious for hours........
In all and everything,life went on.Her son grew up.By this time she had a daughter too.Gradually life taught her how to fend for herself and face all kinds of grotesque and obnoxious situations-situations which made her to eat shit-but she lived on gracefully....apparently for the world and her children... And Priya by now had learnt not to accept defeat.she moulded herself into a perennial river which would always be a source to millions for quenching their emotional thirsts and would always remain so whatever the circumstances be.....the only irony she dreaded that now by this time she had shaped her career as a counselor.Wasn't she cheating everyone?

As she thought more and more, her mind started buzzing with incoherent thoughts......she knew very well that her past always hallucinated her but still she did best to collect the strewn pieces of life to stitch it together into a comfortable quilt where her children can take shelter from the unknown dark ways of life.....But she could see the fangs of destiny lurking always near her and and trying to find a chance to strangulate her mentally....Was it not enough ?was it not done?How much does one person have to take up in life?Anyways there is something which always stopped her from falling down in the muck or getting lost in this jungle of world-her mother's silent gaze looking down at her from the mysterious sky and enveloping her with divine light,giving her immense inner strength and making her to wipe tears and face all the hurdles in the race of life.........She thought if not now,
then never.She has to take some decision....HAS TO.....she is not going to take such shit anymore....not going to live like a lame duck waiting for a final end.

The story is still incomplete.....the emotional-physical- mental trauma is still going on..................TILL WHEN ?Priya doesn't know.Perhaps she'll have to wait for the next
birth,where she would find someone who would make everything tranquil and peaceful........serene and calm..........soothing after all.................

Whereas, a marriage does not mean women to turn in to slaves. Thus, women do not lose human rights because of marriage. So long as a person lives as a human being he/she is entitled to exercise those in-born and natural human rights. To say that the husband can rape his wife after the marriage is to deny independent existence, right to live with self respect and right to self-determination. Any act which results in non-existence of women, adversely affects on self-respect of women, infringes upon right of women to independent decision making or which makes women slaves or an object or property is not compatible in the context of modern world, rather it is a stone-age thought.

- Whereas, to forcibly compel women to use an organ of her body against her will is serious violation of her right to live with dignity, right to self-determination and it is an abuse of her human rights. The Constitution has guaranteed the right to privacy. Therefore, in the light of those international instruments on human rights, it cannot be said that marital rape is permissible.

Mistaken Beauty


A delicate flower sways.............
braving the strong winds of
the thunderous gloomy night.........
Its frail petals falling one by one.............
A tear trickling down the eyes of a star.......
entwined in the treacherous locks of storm....
settles on one of them
sparkling as a precious gem..............
and you have been always thinking
it as a serene dew drop of a tranquil morning.........

A small weak bird.......
in the heartless cold grip
of a vicious venomous snake
under the blurred leaden sky
A frightful, suppressed,muffled
cry escapes its dying heart..........
and you have been always thinking
it as the cool whiff
of the approaching dawn..............
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